A Journey Into Vipassana Meditation

by Jyoti (Jayashakti) Asher

My memories revert back to my very first Vipassana course in June 1988 at Dhamma Giri. I was completely unaware of the depth of Vipassana meditation and where the path would lead me, but this was the turning point that brought a complete change in my life.

I was initiated in the traditional Hindu Sanyas (the path of renunciation) in the year 1969 and was plodding on in the usual way on the so-called spiritual path with rituals, ceremonies, mantra, meditation, hatha yoga, reading and recitation of the holy scriptures, attending Kumbha Melas, etc., thinking this was the be-all and end-all of truly following the sublime path of renunciation.

Within the span of twenty years of the so-called path of renunciation neither my lurking fears of darkness, being alone, spirits, ghosts, dead bodies, etc., were reduced nor did all the spiritual practices eradicate the anger, hatred, greed and the ego.

As head of the Yoga Ashram at Calcutta, one day I came across ten Vipassana discourse cassettes. After hearing the discourses I felt that every word that was spoken was meant for me. The lectures appealed very much to my rational mind. After hearing the ten-day discourses my mind started working on those lines and thoughts. Truly my mind was not under my control. Somehow I had generated anger and was desperately trying to control it. I tried being in silence for two days meditating and watching my thoughts. But that did not help at all.

Then I remembered that I used to receive information and circulars about the Vipassana meditation courses held at the Jain House in Calcutta. During those years I was not the least interested in any other sort of meditation. But after hearing about the pure Dhamma from these tapes, I decided within a period of three months to take a few Vipassana courses. Then it also occurred to me that a devotee in Calcutta had presented me with a Vipassana Journal and I started reading the articles which seemed quite appealing and enlightening.

Finally I arrived at Dhamma Giri to take my very first course in Vipassana. I went through a hectic period just trying to concentrate my flickering mind below the nostrils and above the upper lip. To my utter amazement I found that concentration, i.e., Anapana on the given spot, even for ten seconds, was so difficult. My mind went all haywire, brooding about the past, planning for the future. I would think of anything but being in the present, i.e., concentrating on respiration. I was feeling miserable and was trying to fight my own battle.

The course on the whole was a nightmare as far as I was concerned. I experienced severe constipation, loss of appetite, stomach-aches, slight heat in the head, and physical discomfort. I was unable to sit for the one hour adhiµµhāna (strong determination) sitting. Half an hour would be the most I could manage.

And I remember clearly a dream that I had during that course in which an unknown person was after me and I woke up startled feeling quite relieved at the thought that it was only a dream. After waking up after midnight another sort of fear caught hold of me. The trees and the bushes outside my window of the residential quarter were casting moving and dancing shadows on the opposite wall of my room. Due to the fright I spontaneously started repeating a mantra calling out for help to the Divine Mother. (I always thought that there was an unknown entity, a power, a force, a Lord-God-Almighty who was always hearing the call of distress, and who was ever-ready to give a helping hand.) Hardly had I repeated it three times, when I collected myself and commanded my mind to stop chanting mentally since this technique did not allow any sort of verbalization. I wanted to be true to myself and desired to stick to the discipline that was required from a student. It worked and I stopped chanting the mantra at once. Still, after this turmoil I found it quite difficult to stir out of my bed that night to go to the toilet although the room had an attached bathroom, because the fear was so great. However, in spite of all the different kinds of difficulties, I carried on with my meditation practice very sincerely, seriously, continuously, and completed the course.

This was followed immediately by my first Satipaµµhāna course. I remember feeling rather irritated with a construction worker who was constantly banging and drilling holes in the walls of the cells. The echo was resounding in the pagoda and I was really disturbed. I approached the man concerned and mentioned to him to be more considerate towards the meditators and that I had not come all the way from Calcutta to hear the harsh sounds of drilling. But then, by afternoon, I realized that I was not the only one disturbed and besides, he was only doing his assigned duty. Later, whenever we met, he used to give me a smile. On the whole, the course felt better than the previous two; maybe because I was able to concentrate at least for half a minute.

Then after a gap of ten days, I took another course in August which was my fourth course. During this course I was able to sit for the one hour adhiµµhāna without moving my body. I was able to concentrate for at least one minute. Also, I realized that the blank areas in my back and chest opened up and at times I would feel a flow of subtle sensations.

In September I attended a twenty-day course and was able to successfully complete it with increased confidence and gratitude. After the twenty-day course I went back to the Yoga Ashram and Mission in Calcutta only to hand over my entire charge and responsibility, and resign from the Trusteeship as well. That former path, I realized, could not lead me to liberation. All those practices that I had undertaken had not improved my nature nor eradicated my impurities of craving, aversion and ignorance. Now I felt that I had the seed of enlightenment, and with the practice of Vipassana the seed was beginning to sprout. Otherwise how could I have left all that I had; how could I have given up such an important position. Everything was just natural and spontaneous.

Returning to Dhamma Giri very soon I took another five courses. I had now sat ten courses in eight months. It was time to learn through serving.

Gradually I understood that serving during the courses is applied Vipassana. I was trying to put into practical use this wonderful, simple and unique technique whilst working. I found it rather difficult and most of the time I was reacting to the unwanted situations. Now I understand that it was nothing outside me. I was reacting to the unpleasant sensations in my body. But I'm sure that with the constant practice of being with the bodily sensations I will gradually come out of these reacting impulses and my equanimity will increase.

I remember an incident that occurred about one and a half months back. A very close member of my family expired. Earlier I would have been afraid to even stand beside the dead body. But here I was near the corpse and all I could do was send her mettā (loving-kindness). Even before she died I visited her daily in the hospital to be with her during her ailment and also to meditate the Vipassana way, being aware of sensations and giving her mettā. My best wishes and welfare flowed to her constantly for her peaceful exit from this earthly plane. I felt that this was the best and the only effective prayer that I could offer her. Partings due to death are difficult and I think about how emotional I would have been prior to my practice of Vipassana meditation. And although the actual incident of her death created an emotional disturbance in me for some time, I was able to be with the sensations and I found at once the emotion calmed down.

Another change that has taken place is that earlier I would accept personal donations as a Sanyasini. But now I just can't do it. Sometimes I wonder whether it is the same me. I really don't need anything from anybody. I am happy the way I am. I remember the words of my father who is no more on this earthly plane advising me never to be at the receiving end but always to be on the giving end. Dhamma works! It looks after you, takes care of you. One doesn't feel stranded in the presence of Dhamma. Dhammo have rakkhatu dhammacār². Indeed, the Dhamma protects one who walks on the path of Dhamma.

As I started to grow more in Dhamma I found I was coming out of the outer appearances which are so deceptive. If the mind is not pure, what is the use of wearing the ochre robes and acting like a renunciate? I was not being true to myself, with the ego, anger, hatred, attachment and ignorance weighing heavy on me. It is not the clothes that matter, it is not the ceremonies, the mantras, the visualizations, the readings of holy scriptures, the rituals. These things don't make a difference. The real difference comes when true renunciation springs from the mind, and one works with sampajañña (the thorough understanding of impermanence). So I discarded my orange garb. Now I already feel a difference in my mental state and attitude. There is a change from within as I am constantly reminded of anicca (impermanence).

To sum up, I feel that this technique is so simple, easy and effective in all respects, and worth practising for the rest of my life. And why did I not come across this kind of Vipassana meditation twenty years ago! Anyway, I shouldn't dwell on the past. It is better late than never!

I have embarked on a very, very long journey. The task is tremendous but the path is clear. With a feeling of gratitude towards Buddha, Dhamma and the Sangha and Goenkaji who has been my constant source of great inspiration, I pledge to stand by and tread on the true and pure path of Dhamma. My head bows low at the altar of Dhamma.

Anicca is inside of everybody. It is within reach of everybody.
Just a look into oneself and there it is - anicca to be experienced...
anicca is, for householders, the gem of life which they will
treasure to create a reservoir of calm and balanced energy
for their own well-being and for the welfare of society.

-- Sayagyi U Ba Khin