Parenthood in Dhamma

by Sachiko Weeden

Dhamma helps us in our life in every way, and certainly in parenthood. Being a parent is a noble task and is probably one of the most difficult and delicate jobs in our society.

It requires infinite patience. To be a truly good parent you must have infinite love with total detachment. Aren't these the qualities Dhamma teaches us? The arrival of your child is a God-sent (Dhamma-sent) test for whether you have really cultivated these qualities in yourself through your meditation.

First come those sleepless nights after your baby's birth. When my daughter was born, for weeks I used to sleep three hours and sit two hours a day. Then come the tantrums, not to talk of the constant demands and total deprivation of any kind of freedom whatsoever. But worst of all is the attachment, the strong attachment you develop for your child.

Goenkaji talks about nekkhamma parami, the quality of renunciation. When you are a mother or father, you must work hard on this quality. It is torture to leave your small child even for ten days. It requires strong determination and devotion to Dhamma.

Don't take this "mother's love" for granted either. It can be a total love of one-way traffic, but it can also be tainted with so much ego and self-centredness. You must watch yourself very carefully. See how many parents spoil or even destroy their children with their strong ego and attachment: "My child should be like this, like that."

As in Goenkaji's story about the man who hires a private secretary to tell him when anger has arisen, your child can help you be aware of your own mental state. As soon as your mind becomes unbalanced, a sensitive child will let you know by his or her own distress.

Striving to become a better mother or father is nothing but trying to become a better meditator. 